see: audioholic media
but i wanted to write for me tonight. i'm in that mood that settles with the tapping of the keyboard rather than with the flipping of pages, glasses of wine, or bright shine on the wall behind me from the television while watching a movie, alone and naked, in the dark.
if that's not melodramatic, i really don't know what is.
it's funny that my friend brought up jeff buckley the other day. everyone turns to certain things when they're down and out. my kind of people usually turn to their own type of religion.
my type of people usually turn to music.
i'm not bashing your virgin mary.
i'm not doubting your almighty god.
i'm not knocking on christ.
i'm just saying that, at times, melodies can fill a void that praying won't fill.
it's easier to find comfort in something you can feel.
i feel music.
i'm sure i'll feel god (again) one day.
i'm not saying he isn't there. i'm saying that perspective is put into concrete forms for me when i have something to sway my head to. that concrete perspective is solidified for me when i can feel the lyrics from the internal speakers of my computer. i can feel better when i'm in the shower and the stereo speakers muffle out the scolding water hitting me and covering my body. i can feel better when the steam rises and coats the mirror and the better part of my contact lenses.
that's when i feel.
that's when things make more sense.
maybe music is my god.
maybe god knows this.
maybe god snuck into my itunes.
that would make sense. that would make me feel better about things that i don't have the answers to. shuffle and repeat.
i got off track--my friend brought up jeff buckley the other day.
"hallelujah" was the song that came up in retrospect.
"do you like jeff buckley?"
"yeah."
and that's where it stared. sometimes, when something as strong as a song means something stronger than the average person's faith to someone--it's better to leave some things unexplained.
i get this.
you wouldn't go up to someone and ask them what they just spilled in their confessional. if they willingly tell you--that's a different story. some things are better left un-pried.
i used to listen to this song a lot. i mean "a lot" in the truest form.
i'm kind of glad it made its way into my friend's life. maybe not in the same way that it came into mine--but regardless, it's something to share with someone.
"hallelujah"
i knew the song before the movie the edukators. but it kind of came into perspective when i watched the film one night. it's one of those films that watch better when alone. it's a foreign film, so you'll have to do some reading. but the beauty in the film is in the message. and the message wraps itself up really well. you almost don't need to read the subtitles.
i mean--you do--but you don't.
it all came crashing into me when this song played in its entirety. this was surreal to me for some reason because like i said, the song played in its entirety, which i thought was really cool.
i remember feeling empty and full all at the same time.
i remember feeling like i had a heart and like someone broke it.
i remember feeling like no one could mend a heart.
i remember feeling like if there was one thing throughout the rest of my life that i could count on to mend something that was broken--that it had to be music.
i'm not saying that i don't have family or friends. i'm not implying that someone couldn't fix a broken problem. i'm simply saying that they would simply be a catalyst. they would be the spark. but the music would be the patch.
the music would be the "hallelujah" in my life.
nothing would be fixed until a song put something into perspective.
that would be my sign.
people find god in all sorts of weird places. i found him in the arizona sunrise once. i found him in a few of my favorite novels. i found him in the wind.
maybe that's what really matters at times--is that you can find your god in whatever you hold close to your heart. that means more to me than sunday mass. that means more to me than a title or designated religion.
i don't really know where the direction of this blog was meant to end up. i'm not sure where it started, where it led, or where it ended. but i know that playing this song again, and again, and again--just fixed something.
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